The Exposure Paradox

Imagine this.

Your eyes catch a man on the street, stainless steel collar locked around his neck. he kneels in front of another, gaze downcast. The Master takes his head gently, spits into his open mouth, and seals it with a kiss. People are around, watching—or pretending not to—but the two don’t notice. Their focus is entirely on the ritual, on what it means between them. A command follows: “Stand.” The slave obeys. he picks up the Master’s bag and trails one step behind, hands clasped behind his back, head lowered.

They arrive at a restaurant, one they often use for their afternoon snack. The Master asks for a table, and they sit. Underneath, His foot presses against the slave’s cage. To anyone else, it might look casual—but the waiter, leaning in, can’t avoid the furtive glance toward the crotch, catching that subtle tension. The waiter asks what they’ll have. The slave stays silent, head bowed, phone turned down on the table beside his Master. The order is given for both. While waiting, the Master scrolls His phone, emails and business in hand. The slave remains silent, perfectly still, until the food comes. Then, in front of the waiter, the words come: “You can talk now.” And softly, obediently, the reply: “Yes. Thank you, Master.”

For Me and My slave, BDSM is not something hidden behind closed doors. It is a lifestyle. We live in our M/s dynamic everywhere — at home, on the street, at the gym, during vacations. That doesn’t mean explicit sexual behavior in public (just as a vanilla couple wouldn’t fuck in the middle of a restaurant), but it does mean that I do not hide who we are.

We are not exhibitionists. Our goal is never to shock anyone, because what we do is not for them. It is for us. But just as being gay had to come out of the closet to exist in daylight, I believe kink must also be de-closeted. It cannot survive in silence and shadows if it is truly part of who you are.

Levels Of Public Exposure

To frame this, I borrow an idea from the RPG Mage: The Ascension. I used to play a lot of RPGs in My boyhood — usually being the Master ;) — so this analogy feels natural to Me. In that game, Paradox represents the backlash from reality when a mage casts magic that contradicts the shared consensus of what is “normal.” The further outside the consensus you go, the more paradox your character gets, and the harsher the consequences. Reality pushes back.

On the contrary, if the mage manages to shape his magic into something the observer can accept — a coincidence, a trick of light, a plausible event — then there is no Paradox. Reality allows it to pass, hidden beneath explanation.

I see a parallel in public BDSM. Some gestures of Mastery and submission can be easily “explained away” by an observer. Others strain that possibility, and some are simply impossible to justify. This is what I call the Exposure Paradox.

Level 1 – Easily Justified

Here, observers may notice something odd, but their minds can create alternative explanations.

• I spit in My slave’s drink at a restaurant or his water bottle at the gym.
• We use a public toilet where he drinks My piss — no one sees, but he gets out a minute after I do.
• he carries My bags.
• I pay with his card.
• I order for him at cafés and answer when waiters ask him questions.
• his cage print is somewhat visible through gym shorts.
• In the elevator, I get very close to him and play with his nipples or slap his face while kissing him.
• he stays silent with his head down at a restaurant while I order or scroll My phone.
• he walks one step behind Me always.
• At the pool, he goes to buy Me snacks or water.
• I spit in his mouth while kissing him, so close it's hard to spot.

Level 2 – Harder to Justify

Now, it’s clearly submission — but observers could still invent excuses if they want to.

• I order him to tie My laces at the gym.
• I stomp on his cage under the restaurant table, visible to a waiter.
• I play with one of his nipples at the gym while kissing him.
• he kneels in front of Me at the gym during My fourth set of each exercise.
• he calls Me Amo (Master) and addresses Me with the formal “Usted” in Spanish (instead of the usual "tu"), even in public.
• he trains at the gym with whip marks and a stainless steel collar visible.
• At the pool, he kneels and applies sunscreen to My entire body, chest, back, arms, legs.

Level 3 – (Almost) Impossible to Justify

Here, there is hardly an alternative explanation. What you see is what it is: BDSM in daylight.

• his cage, collar (, and sometimes, plug) are all visible in the locker room as he changes clothes.
• On the street, he kneels before Me, I spit in his mouth, then kiss him.
• I walk ahead with him one step behind, hands tied in leather restraints (on the street, at the mall...).
• he goes to the physiotherapist visibly marked.
• he goes to the doctor still caged, and the doctor must see the device.

This is the scale of public exposure in BDSM: the more you push against the “consensus reality,” the stronger the paradox.

• Level 1 slips under the radar.
• Level 2 raises eyebrows but survives plausible deniability.
• Level 3 strips away disguise and forces reality to confront the dynamic.

Is Public BDSM Wrong?

For decades, BDSM and kink have been branded as perversions. Deviant. Pathological. Dangerous. Society has placed us in the same box as sickness or immorality. Only recently, through the slow work of community, education, and rules of consensus and respect, have we begun to claim legitimacy. Still, kink is far from mainstream — and perhaps it never will be.

But the question remains: is it wrong to live BDSM openly?

My answer is no. It is our duty, as Masters, slaves, dominants, submissives — as members of this community — to embody who we are in a way that is respectful, unapologetic, and clear. We are not perverts, lunatics, or broken souls. We are adults who have chosen a type of relationship where power exchange is central. That is not inherently harmful. It is simply different.

Yes, we live outside the heteronormative model. Yes, we embody roles that contradict the mainstream fantasy of “equality” in relationships. But what we do — when done consensually, without explicit sexual acts in public, and with respect for others — is not detrimental to anyone.

Of course, some of these gestures may carry sexual overtones, but I would never display them in an inappropriate context. I won’t, for example, play with My slave’s nipples while ordering at a restaurant, nor would I spit in his mouth right in front of children.

If a parent sees My slave walking one step behind Me or addressing Me with formal respect, that should not be “worrisome” for their children. It is no more dangerous than a child watching a religious ritual, or a military salute, or a cultural tradition they do not fully understand. The sight of service and respect does not corrupt. On the contrary, it shows that relationships come in many forms — and that devotion, discipline, and loyalty can take shapes outside the vanilla script.

BDSM does not belong in the shadows. It belongs in the light — not as exhibitionism, but as authenticity.

Desexualizing Kink

I don’t consider myself an exhibitionist, nor do I find pleasure in shocking others or calling attention. Quite the opposite. For me, showing my M/s dynamics in public is not about performance — it is about authenticity. I refuse to live with an “on-off” switch, where I must hide my truth in certain spaces and only embrace it behind closed doors. My relationship with my slave is not limited to sex; it is a full lifestyle, a fabric of rules, behaviors, and gestures that shape every interaction between Master and slave. To conceal that would be to deny a part of who I am and who he is.

At the same time, I want to be clear: I hold deep respect for those within our community who choose to keep their dynamics private. Every Master, every slave, every kinkster has the right to decide the level of visibility that feels safe, comfortable, and authentic to them. Discretion is not weakness — it is simply another way of living this path. What matters is that the relationship is real, consensual, and meaningful for those within it.